So in the silence

I realize...

there are actually two ghosts. in me.

----

I haven't finished reading Kafka on the Shore.

But it's too beautiful to end right now.

I read most of it in Quezon, and t's the most beautiful feeling - coming to terms with the waves of the shore and having the book penetrate the thoughts I opted to lock down and bury months ago.

Rio was right. The book is THE book of pain.

There is this eerie feeling when reading it. Murakami doesn't even blatantly describe the emotion of what the reader is supposed to feel. Although unintended, it touches the very core of me. It knows pain in the same way I know it.

----
So there are two ghosts in me.

This fixation with spirits... it keeps me up at times. I'm wide awake in a world where everyone chooses to be asleep. At night, I see, hear, and feel everything. Every single thing is magnified. Clear. Precise.

"We don't sleep... because we lost our souls"

Maybe.

----

There is no contention that I am moving forward.

But these two ghosts? They keep me still. Hold me captive. In terms of thoughts.

Yes.

I am here.

But I'm in love...

stuck... fixed...


with what was...




and what might have been...



And none of those two are here.


They are in me.


They are my ghosts.

----

The ghost of what was gives me a vivid image of the past. I couldn't imagine what could have been with it... I remember the braille on the skin in which only I understand.
I remember words spoken.
Songs sung.
And how breathing felt real.

The last time I had meaning was back then.
And I have accepted that the ghost of what was should be kept frozen. in time. with me.

Until...

The other ghost - the ghost of what might have been... this one I dare not touch.
It is the ghost representational of a future I let go. We let go.
And I choose to not let it hover over me. I attack it over and over. in my head.


But I don't think I can go back. Moreover, I don't think I want to. It is not safe.

It's just a ghost now. Of what might have been.

Picturing how things could have turned out.
How meaning and words would just grow eventually.
How life could have been much simpler.

But it's dead. It should be buried.

----

I am Miss Saeki.

Up until recently, I thought only one ghost infiltrated my very being.
reliving photographs and letters.
Messages that MEANT forever.

Then...
It came to me in a dream.
That other spirit.
Letting me have.
What I should have had.


----

And I wake up...

I think...

This too shall pass...




I will not be beaten. by this.
----

Distance won't solve anything.