Sem break

I've started to be free this week. AT LAST. I do have so much work to do though. But there's no effing way I'm gonna be problematic over it during my time when I'm free. This happens almost never. My friend invited me to go to La Salle today to watch some concert. Ha! It would be good if I were in the mood for some whatever music. I guess these days are just about curling up the bed with a good book and maybe a good gay movie in the iPod. Yes, I'm reviewing the trends in gay movies. They can be very similar from each other. But lez movies are different from gay ones. New discoveries everyday! What fun. No, it really is. Lez ones have more love (?). I don't know. I haven't seen ALL of it.

The romance movies are all over the place actually. I live my romantic life vicariously through them. I love it though - the time alone, the falling in love but no strings attached, the not getting hurt. But after a while, it becomes research. Should I declare my mind as the most loyal thing ever? Maybe. When you feel especially for "the other", nothing is in your control. Your damned to the potential of being shot to shit. When you think, the worst situation for you is being wrong. Plus, thinking could stir emotion anyway.

It's been said to me before by numerous people, "you think too much". Well, what else have I got? No one else in the world can ever fully understand you. There's only so much trust you can give them. A certain type of alienation from the world will not be solved by friends or a couple of beers.

Hay nako. Analyzing again. From previous entries I noticed that the blog is filled with emo shit. I wonder why those instances when I finally do have some emotion, I write in the blog. Not much read it anyway. Yeah. And I'd like to keep it that way. I guess it's good to know that there's a part of me is left for acknowledging emotions I don't come to terms with on a normal basis. There are some things in the memory attic, maybe? I guess I'm left with "I don't care".

I had another dream. A romantic one. It felt good waking up this time. I have a feeling that transcends what the world presents to me. People call it "hope". I call it "freedom". I can have that IF I wanted it. But I have to power to choose not to get in the way, to say "no, it's not gonna happen, you and me", to think and dream without boundaries, to not be under the tyranny of jealousy... I'm free from all of that - and it's great.

Of course, existential philosophers would say that freedom leads to anxiety. Existential angst. People don't really want to be free. Sometimes apathy becomes a solution to freedom. But I feel giddy now - for most of the emotion entwined with the bad part (cause emotions can be complex). And that for every pleasant emotion there's always a counterpart emotion that comes along with it. Jeez. We're not one dimensional beings. So whenever we feel numerous emotions - no matter how contradictory they can be, normal people won't get it. They won't even like it.

I'm free. Screw everyone else who don't want me to be.

The Destiny of Man by Berdyaev is the book of the moment. I've loved it til it came to the sex part. But I'll try finishing it without getting pissed off. I've got a ton of books lined up after it anyway. Satanic Verses, The Fountainhead, Merchant of Venice... A couple of cucumber for the eyes would be the remedy to this reading/watching frenzy.

I feel like going now. Bleh!